Why We Don’t Yell In Our Home

The early days of dating are always so grand. They are lighthearted, playful, and fun. They are jam packed with tons of interesting facts and new experiences. My now husband, and I stayed awake until the wee hours of the morning that first week just talking. We talked about lives lived, goals, dreams, challenges, beliefs. He asked me about my quote boards that hung on my cute single life bungalow walls. I am obsessed with words. They are my love language. They open my soul in a way not even actions can. So, I told my husband about the No Yelling policy I adopted a couple years back.
I would rather someone acknowledge me with words than gestures. I would rather have a deep conversation than see a movie. I take all things said to me very seriously. One of my biggest faults is over analyzing EVERY SINGLE WORD.
Our first fight came and we realized just what communication would look like. I don’t drop things well. That is a mix of my personality and being a woman. I do not walk away until the conversation, or argument is complete. My husband is an avoider. He will avoid any thing close to confrontation.
That evening I pressed him to finish the conversation, heck it could of been how to hang a picture, or when to let the dog out. I don’t remember. All I remember is my husband was so uncomfortable he started to yell. This action immediately made me shut down. I felt like a failure.
Yelling not only says to the other person that their point isn’t valid, but it says that they are not worth working this problem through. Yelling makes people feel little and always escalates anger. Yelling escalated our conversation that evening to more hurtful words to over power each other. The tension in the room made it almost impossible to ever look back at that specific situation out of fear of upsetting each other.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve hit my breaking point and yelled. BUT, I kick myself in the butt every time I do it. When the words we say hold so much impact, we must use them wisely. We must interact with intention. A no yelling policy has helped my husband and I learn so much about each other and find the root of arguments and conversations. We have learned to stick the conversation out as long as we can. Walking away is an option you take only when their will be no successful compromise.
If we know that our Spouse is IN it with us, and not against us, a conversation becomes much easier. We realize as a person that our opinion is valued even if it does not coincide with the others. When we don’t yell we are required to come to a conclusion much quicker because we are able to honestly display our emotions. Not yelling really helps your significant other see that you don’t agree with something they did, believe, or want. It differentiates a specific thing from that person as a whole.
Now that we have a son we are more intentional with our efforts. Yelling says hate, and anger. It is easy for a child to remember very specific details. I do not want our son thinking we hate each other, that love isn’t our center focus. My husband is my soul mate and I will always fight for him. I do not want our children to be intimidated by actions they have seen versus words they have heard.
When we tell people why versus just screaming against something, we validate them. They become safe. Our children soak this in the most. Children will not trust their emotions and ideas to a parent who screams often. They fear the same reaction will come upon them. I want my son to tell me how his day was. Tell me if a class is difficult or a friend hurt him. I do not want him to be ashamed. I think this honesty comes from clear communication.
Ever since that first fight my husband is slowly realizing the importance of communication and keeping our emotions under control. He has learned to validate my opinion as well as his own. He definitely is not a bad person for yelling. I think at one point or another we all have. We have learned as a couple that we will flourish and grow in abundance by adapting this lifestyle. Our arguments do not end in irrational actions because we choose to care for the other person.
Has a screaming match that started with who would take out the garbage, ended with someone sleeping on the couch? This conversation should never escalate to that point. I hope more families will adapt a no yelling policy. I hope more families will learn to communicate with each other. I hope more people will be intentional with their words realizing their weight. I also hope that if we make mistakes, we have the courage to apologize and correct them. The people we love are most important. Lets show them that!

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