This week I have been following Lindsey Kirkland’s story as a Neuroblastoma survivor. She was a young child and the story is told through her mothers journals. It is touching, heart breaking, and hopeful all at the same time. You can find them here. If not right now, I would recommend reading them to see where my heart is coming from in todays post. Having a young son, this story has changed me. AND- there is still a third part that she will be posting soon!
It is a specific paragraph in her second post that crushed me. Her mother Normajean writes, “I quickly turned it off and ran to my room begging God for her life and finally realizing that in my struggle to have her whole, I was interfering with His timing for all our lives. I finally realized she was His and gave her back to Him where she belonged. Peace came almost instantly. The battle was over in my soul. She is His; I get to be her mom for as long as He leaves her here with me. What an awesome privilege I have. What incredible trust God has in me to let me be her mom for however long He chooses. Please let it be a very long time, God. She is my sunshine every day.”
I cannot compare my life to this mothers story, not in the slightest. The hope she had in God in such a hard time is remarkable. Some would run from him, but she chose to cling to his promises. That one paragraph moved me, it literally shifted my heart in a whole new direction. My son turns one in a week. The first days of his life are a haze and very clear all at the same time. Complete exhaustion, and joy for this new being was overwhelming. Like any new mother, I consistently checked on him. Every couple minutes putting my hand to his chest just to make sure he was ok. I was living in a constant state of fear vs enjoying the time with my beautiful son. I have talked to many of mothers, and almost all of them have explained the same fear. There is something in her words that put things into perspective. My son is a gift from God that I have been entrusted with. I am not guaranteed another day with him. I do have the privilege of being his mother. Instead of living in fear, I must live in thankfulness for the very moments I have been given. Being pregnant with our second child, this came at such a great time. Pregnancy is living in the unknown. The future, the baby’s sex, their health it is all unknown. Trusting God’s plan gives me peace. My fear will not change anything, but it will cripple the beauty.
I think there is a point as mothers that we must protect and care for our children. God gave us that duty when he gave us them. We cannot control life though. We cannot live in constant fear that our children will be taken from us. We live in a world where the media is constantly talking of abuse, SIDS, disease, and every other preservative under the sun. We can protect our children but ultimately they are in Gods hands. Our fear will not give us one more day, but stop us from truly enjoying the day we have been given. This mother is watching her daughter go through chemo, tests, and surgery. Where does she find peace? In the truth that God is holding her daughter. That she is His.
“What incredible trust God has in me.” Have you ever felt like you missed the mark as a parent? Like circumstances are out of your hands? Maybe you did not give your child all your attention, or lost your cool. Maybe even the silliest way that you didn’t throw the best party, or cant afford the best toys. God trusted YOU with that beautiful human being. He knows you, and he knows your limits. This truth can be applied to every part of parenting. When we feel like we are not enough, we can ask him for that strength, for that courage. Do not let the world tell you that you are not enough, because He tells us we are. Parenting is one of the most beautiful, rewarding, and challenging roles. I have only been at it a year and I can tell you I need God’s Grace every day. I will rest in the peace that God is holding my son. It is not my responsibility to fear, I will hold onto the hope of more to come.
This is not my story to tell. I know as a parent I have lived in fear and insecurity. I have been robbed of the very joy God has given me. I am giving it all back to him. I am choosing Peace. I am choosing Hope that God’s plan is much more beautiful than my own. If you have children I would recommend going to her page right now and reading the journals. If you don’t have children I would recommend going to her page right now and reading the journals. God’s promises are real and alive. Let us rest in that truth. Let us place the ones we love back in His hands.