Mourning

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Every time I try to write the words pause in my head. It’s not that there are no thoughts, but twenty million different fragments passing by that are trying to jump out first. I feel like my life is at a stand still but I’m watching the movie reel keep playing. I see pictures of people getting married, smiling with their spouses, sometimes complaining about them… I see life moving forward, but mine is stuck right here.
Friends have asked if I’m bitter at other peoples happiness, and no I’m not. I love hearing what is going on in their lives- it for a second gives me a little glimpse of hope. It also reminds me of the beauty I had even if for such a short amount of time. I never realized the joy I got from his joy. How many things I did so his smile, could make me smile. I feel drowned by it all. A surplus of condolences, a life that needs completely re situated, my boys future without their amazing dad, every anniversary we would have spend together, the few who have caused even more pain through this tragedy- there is a million emotions. I get a gasp of relief when the only thoughts are the sweet memories. I gasp for breath as the tears roll down my face. I’m so thankful for those moments, where I can just mourn. I mourn the loss of my best friend, my soulmate, my love, the father of my children, my life saver. It’s those moments where all the other thoughts stop that I will grab one of his old shirts and cling tightly to the love we had. I read the notes, messages, I watch the videos- I watch a beautiful love story that was so suddenly and unfairly ripped from in front of me. Some days I feel like it’s a movie, that this couldn’t be happening. I wait for my handsome Fareed to walk in the front door, he never comes. This was the stuff that happened to distant people or on the big screens- it couldn’t happen to me, to us.
I catch myself going to text him “wish you were here, I’m having an awful day.” He knew my soul and how to mend it so well, what do I lean on now? I know The Lord is near but feeling his comfort is hard. Why couldn’t he send Fareed back to do that? We couldn’t believe how happy and blessed our lives were together. As New Years would roll around we got excited for what could be ahead, could it top the past year. Our life revolved around the word jubilee/celebration. Never did we imagine this. People tell me I am strong, but do I have another option? Our beautiful boys need me- now more than ever. Some days I think of how easy it would be to re enact the movie PS I Love You. Fareed wouldn’t want that- not for me, but especially not for these boys. I want to write, I try so hard to put my emotions to paper. Fareed loved when I wrote, he knew how great it made me feel. For now I will collect my million thoughts in the rare moments they stop just quick enough to jot them down. My life is in a million pieces. I’m slowly rebuilding the puzzle. It’s so frustrating. I’m rebuilding a puzzle that I already know is missing the piece that fits right in the center. But I have to rebuild- I can’t leave the pieces scattered across the floor.

One comment

  1. Christina Schaefer says:

    I have been waiting for you to post for so long and I’m glad you finally did. Our hearts are with. I know that I didn’t know you or Fareed well, but thankfully Rudy had the pleasure of working with him and sharing stories of him. I often shed tears over how you must be feeling, with every post I read of yours or every picture I see. If you ever need an ear, I’m here!

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