Choosing Life


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It seems so odd to me that death brought with it this whole new view on life. I sit and ponder how different things would be had my husband Fareed and I not lived a life of “just going for it.” In 800 short and beautiful days- we fell madly in love, got engaged, married, had a son, and conceived another. There are many fun and memorable adventures in between those as well. We created a long list of “when we are old and grey” another list of “if we ever have the money.” We would stay up in to the late hours playing Yahtzee to get “just us” time in. My husband worked a lot. If he wasn’t working, he was probably helping a friend with some odd project. He loved to be go go go. He worked hard in hopes that one day he could retire and “live” the life he always wanted. He wanted us to buy a boat, take the kids fishing. He wanted to own his own restaurant, invent a smartphone app, and start a rental review website. Those are just some of the many dreams he had in the last months of his life. My husband was a dreamer. He not only dreamed of his life though, he dreamed in a way many couldn’t. He had ideas most of us only see in the movies. He dreamed of a whole different world. I only wish he knew he had “X” amount of days so he could have stayed home just a couple more with us. Though I know we lived a very FULL life together, I catch myself often wishing we could have done more things. Most Marriages are often lucky enough to get 25x the amount of days that we got together. We never imagined that we would be limited to just 800. Fareed never dreamed he would leave this earth at the young age of 31. But, he did.
Everyday as I catch myself wanting to just sit, sip on coffee, and stare out the window- I think of him. I think of the moments he will never be able to live. I think of the precious gift of life that is right before me, ticking away. You only get one shot. Life doesn’t have to be one of travel and grand adventures to be amazing, it just has to be FULL. Anyone who came in contact with my husband would say he lived in such a way. He listened with his whole heart, he was selfless beyond imagination, their was no limit to his love or helping hand. He put his whole heart into everything he did wether that be work, our marriage, his relationship with William, or his relationship with his friends. My husband changed this world, even in the short 31 years he was given. I never will be able to cross off that “old and grey” list with him, but I want to live a life that keeps crossing them away for him.
It would be so easy for me to sit on the couch and watch my son play all day long. I am in my third trimester of pregnancy with a 15 month old, one word- exhaustion. But, thats not life. Little did Fareed know he would never return from that fishing trip. Little do any of us know if we are guaranteed tomorrow. So Today, I want to live. I want to look at the rainbow and remember the many conversations my husband and I had staring up at them. I want to take my son to a petting zoo and imagine the smile my husband would have from our joy. I want to commit my life to be one of checking off “old and grays.” I want to honor my husband by FULLY living the moments he was robbed of so early. I want my children to know Life. I don’t want them to remember just toys, or shows. I want them to remember people, places, things. I want them to truly experience. I want them to remember the scents, the conversations, the smells, the views. Death didn’t leave me my husband. It only left things, and memories.
On April 9th I wrote, “I would much rather have a life full of memories then a life full of things to tell my story.” Now more than ever, I feel the impact of those words. I don’t remember the details of the fancy dinners, and massages we got on our honeymoon. Want to know my most vivid memory of that trip? Watching my husband hand feed sea gulls off the back of the boat. Every time one would dive in he would smile with excitement. He had the joy of a young child. I remember vividly a night we dressed like we were from the 40’s. My husband threw on a Fedora and twirled me in the halls of his old town home. It was that night that I fell in love with his favorite cologne. It was that night he sang me his first Frank Sinatra song in its entirety. I don’t remember specifically where we went to dinner that evening, or even where we got drinks after. But, I remember that moment, the love we shared, just us, in the halls of that town home.
Death robbed so much joy from me. It unfairly took my husband before he could meet our second son, or have our second wedding anniversary. I’m not letting it take anymore. I’m going to live. Im choosing to live. Today. I don’t know if I’m guaranteed tomorrow, let alone the next 75 years. But I have now. I choose to laugh when my son laughs. I choose to chase him in the yard, and tickle him until we cry. I choose to get up off the couch and explore the beauty that is out there. I choose to tell stories, drink chais, eat delicious dinners and savor the friends and family I hold so dear. I choose to live in the unrational thoughts of healthy and savory. I choose to care about health. I choose to also care enough to choose chocolate when it beckons my name. I choose to follow the dreams my husband fell in love with me for. I choose to dance like a crazy person, because it brought so much joy to his face. I choose to believe in a better world; the one both my husband and I knew was within our reach. I choose to remember the good, the beauty, the life we had. I choose to continue to live “OUR” lifestyle of jumping right in. Im choosing to embrace the crazy disaster. I’m choosing the girl my husband fell so passionately for 883 days ago. I’m choosing joy. I’m choosing Life, in honor of him. I’m going to cross off those old and grays, and every time, I will remember him and smile for those 800 beautiful days we were given together.

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