I believe in you

imageCharles Fareed was born on November 7th weighing in at 7 lbs 9 oz. Everything has ran fairly smooth for us thus far and we are very thankful for health. I can’t find words to explain the emotional roller coaster we have been on. This baby is so precious and cuddly and I am loving every minute of him. As he makes his first little noises and movements I can’t help but find myself in tears knowing Fareed would have loved all of this. I should have someone beside me smiling about all these firsts. The second day I cried for a good while in the hospital when Fareed was nowhere to help me heal. He had been the best support system for both my surgery and c section with William. His presence was missed as William met his brother for the first time. Although William has an obsession with Charles nose and doesn’t know how to handle sharing the attention, he is loving him well. These moments are bittersweet. I truly am blessed and in pure joy to watch these two boys, to absorb all these little moments. In the back of my head is this sadness. Sadness that Fareed will never see these moments, sadness that he would have loved these moments. As visitors started to come, I realized that they are all meeting Charles for the first time, something Fareed will never do. I am so happy that he is surrounded by so many loving and caring people. I just wish so badly that involved his amazing father.
No one ever told me that my first child would pull on my heart strings needing attention those first days. I wish I could play and run and focus on him, but we now have another part of our family. We combined the boys’ pediatrician visits hoping to alleviate some time and stress. William does not like the pediatrician anymore, and knows that is where he receives shots. He ended up in tears. His tears and the cold room had Charles in tears. Let’s just say that brought mommy to tears.
Williams first pediatrician appointment involved poop and pee all over the walls and my husband throwing his hands in the air. He looked to my mom and said “Grandmas turn.” Although a messy story, it is one we would laugh about for months. Charles first appointment was a little different. My mom took Charles so I could give William a cuddle and attention. The words that came out of my mouth summed up a lot. “Life isn’t fair and I’m sorry we got played the hand we did. Your daddy would have loved to be here. I want him here.” The dr and nurse assured us that every 18 month old starts to dislike the doctor and no first appointment ever runs smoothly. No matter the comfort, all I wanted was Fareed there to laugh at the chaos along side of me. Do you know how hard it is for Grandma to care for two babies in a small room while you are being checked in to ER for a severe headache. William asking to see the “Daddy” videos we so often show him. The extra helping hand has turned into the other set of hands. Fareed would be laughing as the doctor joked with two noisy babies “maybe this is the cause of your headache.” Fareed loved and cared for me in a way I can’t explain. He loved children, but more importantly he loved his boys.
I’ve noticed that in the last five days my loss has become very real again. It has also become very different. For months my every thought was about losing Fareed and caring for William. The last week has involved pure joy again. Pure joy that made me realize I’m experiencing it alone. The loss of my Boys Father is more painful now than it has ever been. The hope and joy of the future is alive again. I can’t explain the emotions going on inside me. But I will say this, I miss Fareed now more than ever (something I didn’t think possible) But I have lots of happiness, the most hope I have felt since my husband left this world. This is going to be a crazy journey. I am very lucky I have my boys to venture it along side of me. I currently have spit up in my hair, am running on very little sleep, and could devour an entire breakfast buffet. My family was made three again just days ago, but in a completely different way. I don’t have it all figured out and quite honestly- I know Fareed would be laughing along side of me as I learn to just take it one more blowout at a time. I catch a little glimpse of joy when I hear him chuckling in the background at the chaos (joy, tears, and all) and saying “you can do this babe, I believe in you.”

One comment

  1. Simla Ratan says:

    Hello Shelly I am Gary’s aunt that is Cathy’ Selz sister. I saw you at Gary’s wedding and met Fareed for the first time although I have been hearing about him from Gary for a number of years.For that short space of time that I spoke to him he did have an impact on me for he seemed like such a warm and friendly person.When Cathy told me about what happened to Fareed I was really very saddened .It seemed so unfair. I just recently started reading your blog and most times it brings me to tears. However I must say that for someone so young you are really a tower of strength and I admire that in you.I want to congratulate you on the birth of Charles and deep down I know you will have the strength and determination to be the best mother to your two sons.Keep believing in yourself and enjoy your sons as they grow .I know at times you would be overwhelmed but from your blogs I gather that you are a fighter and you have it in you to move on and stay strong for your children.So I want to wish you and your kids all the best.
    Regards Simla

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