A letter to my husband:
I wish you were here to see how amazing Charles is. He looks just like William. I can’t help but hope they both look just like you as they grow older. I just stare at him in awe. He’s here months after you left us. If you read this story you would call it a miracle. He is. They have helped keep me going. I know you would want that. William is starting to warm up to him. You would be so proud of the little helper he has become. I know you’d be laughing at the fact that Charles loves hats, all those hats William would never wear. I wonder if you see William dancing around the house in your fedoras. I wish he would have done it for you. A lot changes from 13-19 months. I can just imagine your smile as William rambles all his new words. Just the other day he went down the slide all by himself. He’s getting so big love. I wish you could be here to see it. We went to see Santa this week. I have no one to reminisce so many of those firsts with- to compare the years. I hope you can see them all. I try to imagine your smile as if you were here. Remember when you would always ask if he loves you? Whenever he falls or is upset he asks to see the daddy videos on my phone. He misses you. We miss you.
I remember the times you told me you felt out shined, that people stole the spotlight from you a lot. I wish you knew the impact you made on us all. If I could I would still be listening so intently. I’m sure it’s wonderful where you are though. Your humble and giving soul is what we all remember and cherish. Life isn’t measured in words but in love. You loved well. I’m so thankful that you chose me to show that love to. That you opened a part of your soul and joined it with mine. Because of that, I hold a treasure no one will ever understand. You looked at me in wonder. You always made me feel beautiful. When I would get lost, you would remind me of the loving and giving soul God placed in me. I wish I told you more the impact you had on me. I hope my actions spoke that enough. I have no regrets, I just hope they spoke as loudly as yours did. You left this world very loved. It makes the hole so hard to fill. You were my best encourager. I try and imagine your words when I am weak. I wish you were here to wrap your arms around me, especially on the hard days as I sit and cry for hours as the boys sleep. I hate that the very person who could make it feel all better is the very reason I weep. William always know how to cheer mommy up. I swear babe, he is just like you. He has become my best friend. Fareed you taught me to walk away from anger. That a gentle soul is better than a ferocious one. You taught me that generosity wasn’t just giving, but giving until it hurts. You showed me what a gentleman was. I pray I raise these boys to be just like you. I am thankful for the traits and values you taught me. You changed me in those 800 days. I became more alive than I’ve ever been. Thank you. I see your deodorant or hair product brand at the store and want to buy it. I see a shirt you would love and wish you were here to try it on. It’s the littlest things that remind me of you. Quite honestly everything reminds me of you. You were my other half. I don’t know how to handle losing you. I think I’m doing ok. I always hope you’d be proud of the steps I’ve taken. These boys were our life, I’ll continue to focus there. I hope that the dancing bubbly girl you fell in love with, returns. Cheer me on if you can. I will always miss you Hun. No matter the time that passes, the ache will always linger. Just the other day a friend told me they came across an old voicemail from you about my surprise birthday last year. I was in tears. I can’t wait to hear it. It reminded me how much you loved me. How well you showed me. I’ve also replayed the ones I have time and time again. You always joked about me taking care of you when you were old. Oh how I wish we had that opportunity. I wanted more than anything to grow old with you. I know you never would have left my side. You constantly reminded me how you would always be there for me and the boys. I see old couples and know that would/should have been us. Remember the day we were thrifting and you brought me the 50th anniversary plate? You told me that would be us some day. If only you knew.. If only we could have stopped this.
Today, I wish we could be planning your birthday and making a toast to many years ahead. I wish I was out shopping for you or planning a grand evening that you would be attending. I wish our biggest worry was a babysitter. I have no idea what the future holds but it breaks me that it will never be another year with you. I know you would be here if you could. I know you never imagined leaving this soon. You were a fighter. Fareed I miss you. You changed me. You changed this world. I hope you know that your dreams did come true. Your voice was heard.
Yesterday I looked at photos of a “picture perfect” family. That was once us. I’m scared of doing life without you babe. I wish so badly for that life with you back.
I will continue to tell the boys about you- your smile, your charm, your love of life. I’m glad you became daddy and got to see William grow that first year. I am so thankful you chose me to be your wife. No amount of pain could outweigh the joy you brought me.
On your birthday we remember you and smile for the life and love we were given.
I love you Fareed.
Happy Birthday Dear.