Everyday I battle between the past, present and future. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t still heartbroken and shattered. It’s been almost 8 months and I still shed tears every day. I miss Fareed, I always will. I think I will always long and wonder for the life we had planned together. Problem is, I don’t have that choice. I want this pain to go away. So much so that I wish I could shove it away in the closet and forget about it. I long for normal. At this point I don’t even know what “normal” really is, but I long for it.
It is true that healing takes time. I don’t wake up day to day saying I feel much less pain than yesterday. As I look back a month, two months, half a year- I have come a long ways. There are moments I have huge realizations, moments of peace in the constant battle- I am so thankful for those. All I want is to be whole. I am at a point in this journey where I am making small decisions for our future life. I’m not constantly stuck in the grief state. The guilt that comes with those decisions is almost crushing. I know I need to move forward, I have a life to live and recreate. I know Fareed would want us to be happy. But, as every small decision I make I feel like I’m leaving the past behind, Fareed behind. That’s what the grief journey looks like though. Leaving behind the life we once had for the life we now live. I will never forget Fareed, but he’s not part of the present. I’m trying my hardest to hold onto him even though I’ve already lost him forever.
That my friends is the hardest battle of grief. Realizing that the person you love and miss is not part of your new chapter. No matter the amount of photos or memories I have, no matter how many stories I tell or things I keep the same, he is never coming back. So I battle. I know in my heart that I want to heal, I want the pain to lessen. I continue to post photos of him, the acknowledgment of our love and his life keeps him alive to me. I’m in a state of grief. I am living in two different worlds. I am living in the past wishing for Fareed back. I am living in the future, hoping for a new normal with less pain. The goal is a present that is happy once again.
I am at a place where my loss defines me. I think of it often, I wonder how I will get past it, other than my role as a mother- it is who I am. I don’t like that. I refuse to let this tragedy cripple me. I continue to grow from it, but I want to get to a place where I don’t feel defined by the word Widow. I want to get to a place where my loss doesn’t seem like my whole story, but just part of it. It takes baby steps. Baby steps that rip my heart out of my chest. They hurt because I know I am step by step leaving the past and stepping into the future. A future that sadly does not include Fareed.
I read something a while back that put the guilt of grief into perspective. Where would your spouse be if the circumstance was reversed? I know Fareed would be sad, and I feel like it would have torn apart his world. But Fareed is also a fighter- and I know he would have fought for happiness for himself and the boys. He would be creating a new normal. I would want them happy. So I choose to remember that. Fareed loved me dearly and would want me happy as well. This part of my journey seems like huge progress to me. I am acknowledging that however hard it may be- I am choosing to take baby steps into my future life. I am choosing happiness. It may hurt every time I feel I am leaving my life with Fareed behind. There may be days I curl up in a blanket with my coffee and just cry. Cry because the pain of letting go is almost as unbearable as the initial loss.
I must endure. The only way to fully live after loss is to release my old life and embrace the new one waiting for us. So I’m promising myself to take steps every day. That may be making the house how I want it to look or be for my happiness. That may be choosing friends that strictly wish only happiness and a future for me. That may mean starting new hobbies or forgetting old ones. I have a life to live and rebuild. A life that is once again happy and full for the boys and I. Our new life will include honoring Fareed and the love we had for him. But sadly our future will never include Fareed.
I will take this battle head on. I believe in my heart life after loss can be beautiful again. I also believe that guilt can keep us where we are. I will miss Fareed and the beautiful love story we had. But, God closed that chapter. I have to let him continue to write the rest…