Some find it strange I haven’t been angry with God about Fareeds death. Honestly, their are days I find it strange too. In the midst of the biggest tragedy and let down I have ever endured, all that sang true to me was that “God is good.”
Recently I was talking to a fellow young widow about this. She said it perfectly. “Satan already took my late husband, I’m not letting him take my life too.” You see, God intended life for us, pure beautiful life. It is Satan and sin that we can blame for death. By being angry at God for the decay Satan causes, robs us of our very life. To see this, you have to fully grasp that life isn’t just our days numbered here on this earth.
I am a mere human, owed nothing. God gifted me, of all people, to be joined with one of the most beautiful souls I have ever met. How can I be angry about that? Though very short, I am so thankful for the gift of those 800 days. It is our human nature to believe we were owed a lifetime. Life becomes something much more beautiful when we live in thanks for all “Good.” I’m not owed the flowers in my yard, the roof over my head, my family, friends. But HE is good.
While putting my son to sleep I started to sing Amazing Grace and one verse stood out in a different way to me. “The Lord has promised good to me, His word my hope secures, He will my shield and portion be, as long as life endures.” In a season of chaos I feel like God has been singing this song over me. From the moment I was praying at my husbands feet as he was pronounced deceased until this very moment. He has been holding me. Did he promise it to be easy? No. He promised good to me.
As I look around, there is so much to be thankful for. Amidst the darkness, there is still light. He has won.
Life isn’t easy since Fareed left. There are days full of tears and sorrow. There is exhaustion in grief and raising two boys under two. There is confusion of why Fareed, why my husband, why the boys’ dad? There is uncertainty of our future. There is loneliness in doing life without my companion. There is disappointment in our shattered dreams.
Health and healing have come when I set my eyes on Him. When I remember He is Good. When I remember he is the one that gifted me with my marriage to Fareed in the first place. That he tends to the birds, the flowers, the ocean. That he blessed me with these beautiful boys to keep me going. That he brought life in a season of death.
So as my friend said “I dug my heels in.” Im choosing to be thankful for the good, for life, for Fareed. I’m chasing life because I have felt the sting of death.
And He promises Good to me.
Exodus 15:2 The LORD is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.